Listen to your body, honor your capacity, and allow these contemplations to emerge forth in safe, contained, and structured ways (i.e. in therapy, in a healing community, when you are psychologically resourced).

For the first post, I thought it might be useful to begin with a question that pervades capitalistic culture: perfectionism. When I hear traces of perfectionism (which can present very differently depending on the particular person/group), I hear a disconnection from vitality.

I see a way in which the current reality is not yet metabolized yet the hunger for more is strong.

In essence, perfectionism is a personality trait that describes the continual striving toward a higher standard, accompanied by a critical self-perception. Perfectionism is rooted in a fundamental disconnect from one’s inherent worthiness, leading the psyche to identify strategies to fulfill our most basic relational needs: love, safety, acceptance, and attention.

The conscious expression of a similar energy might lead to visionary insight or talent in the world. Yet, perfectionism keeps us in a state of striving where we lose touch with the elegance of life’s natural intelligence. The tendency is one rooted in fear vs safety (or love).

A consequence of a colonial worldview, we all experience its expression to some degree. Part of the work is not to refute this fact, but to get curious about how its tendency can emerge in even the subtlest of ways and engage in the deeper work of meeting ourselves with radical acceptance.

The antidote to perfectionism is not self-love, but self-acceptance. I might not always be able to feel love for myself, but I can practice accepting myself by meeting my moment-to-moment experience with a non-judgmental, spacious perspective. The irony is that it is through self-acceptance that we encounter our basic goodness, and this recognition is a prerequisite for genuine self-love.

Perfectionism keeps us trapped in a cycle of never feeling enough, never having enough, never doing enough. Part of how this trait is expressed is through the guise of valuing excellence at the expense of authenticity.

When an authentic being expresses their true nature, magnetism and talent are the natural consequences of this presentation. Not because of what they necessarily do, but because of how their unique presence moves through the world.

In terms of changing this cycle, like many emotional patterns, the first thing I might offer is the invitation to really let yourself rest in the acknowledgement of what’s happening.

We can be so quick to change an experience because we’re uncomfortable that we actually miss valuable information that can only be accessed in letting a process unfold. Additionally, there are times where trying to prematurely change the pattern (before you really understand what’s going on) simply perpetuates the root of the emotional cycle.

What I’m saying is that trying to force yourself to be another way, in this case to try really hard to disrupt perfectionism, is perfectionistic in and of itself.

A contemplative lens teaches us that it is not what we do that determines whether we nurture our wellbeing or neuroses, but how we go about doing those things.

Perfectionism imposes, healing invites.

Through this lens, consider where you might be meeting yourself with a critical touch.

What standard might you be imposing on yourself?

What ideal do you demand yourself to attain?

How do you disrupt your natural rhythms in pursuit of shame-based structures?

Secondly, observe what it’s like to meet yourself and this emotional pattern with curiosity. Not just awareness, but a deeply engaged and interested attention.

Where does your mind go when you observe moments of perfectionism?

How does it feel to behave or strive in this way?

Where do you remember feeling this way before?

If you paused, what feelings might emerge?

The curiosity stage is an integral part of learning the language of the self. We all have strong personalities that have been constructed in an effort to be loved. A compassionate and curious mind can offer the appropriate context in which this personality can be gradually deconstructed, in favor of restoring our core self.

When we meet ourselves in this way, we disrupt so much of the unnecessary suffering that the conditioned mind believes is inevitable.

Perfectionism is usually a protective strategy that offers space from our deeper vulnerabilities. In this case, it’s usually related to shame, rejection, unworthiness, and helplessness. When we become interested in the ways it protects us from feeling uncomfortable, it becomes less about the strategy and more about the stories we assign these underlying states.

Someone might hold perfectionist tendencies around work, believing that the harder they work, the more admired they are. The more admired they are, the safer they feel. Someone else might hold perfectionist tendencies around being a perfect partner, believing that if they behaved in an ideal way all the time, they would never be rejected, abandoned, and alone.

It can also manifest in less obvious ways: like grasping onto healing tools in an effort to ‘fix’ the self; obsessing over your behavior / speech in an effort to control other people’s perception of you; and operating in hyper specific ways to maintain the conditions that lead to connection or approval in a certain area of your life.

A powerful tool for disrupting these beliefs is to acknowledge times where you operated from a shame-based place and still felt alone, rejected, and profoundly misunderstood — especially to yourself. Pay attention to where you operate from perfectionism and it doesn’t actually help you feel genuinely seen, accepted, and loved.

Without this insight, parts of the self may still feel inclined to invest in these outdated behaviors. With right view, we can move toward right action.

We are invited to honor the ways that striving has kept us safe, while recognizing the ways it causes us harm. Both are important to see.

This process takes time; and I’ve only briefly outlined some of the general themes here. Keep in mind that introspection is messy work, but discomfort is the price we pay for a deeply authentic life.

Shame-based worldviews depend on your self-betrayal in order to thrive. When you come into contact with the beauty beneath the protective persona, you will discover a wellspring of energy, clarity, and wisdom. Transforming your self-critique into loving discernment helps you cultivate a wise mind rooted in care rather than fear.

Furthermore, self-compassion is a muscle that can be strengthened over time, helping us to move out of perfectionism and into radical acceptance and inspired action.

If compassion is the capacity to suffer with another, then self-compassion is the capacity to sincerely suffer with parts of yourself.

This may look like seeking and cultivating safe and supported containers that allow you to feel deeply, unlocking stuck energy beneath these controlling patterns.

Compassionate exploration provides us with a receptivity to what else is going on for us, beneath the noise of habit. Through this, consider:

What feelings wish to be felt?

How does the body wish to be held?

Where does the body hurt?

What do you need in order to feel safe enough to turn toward that?

Where have you felt rejected in your life?

Where did you feel unworthy as yourself?

What / who reinforces this unworthiness today?

How did you learn to strive as a way to protect?

What does this striving protect you from?

How can you tend to that fear at this time?

Feeling into stuck emotions frees up valuable psychic energy that can be invested in your creative and visionary capacities.

Emotional catharsis and transformation invites us to regain agency over what really matters to us in life and how we can redirect our efforts toward those sources.

When we are safe, we are free to be ourselves. From this place, we have more insight into what speaks directly to us. The co-creation processes available from here allows for an ideal rooted in wisdom, mirroring the natural evolution of the psyche, rather than forcing ourselves to become something that is incongruent with our core self.

Observe what starts to feel possible from here.

If you have any questions, please feel free to reach out.

I’ll be exploring this further through ongoing virtual courses. Stay tuned for more details.

Xx